||[Mar. 5th, 2011|02:47 pm]
What goes on in your mind can now be released
I see that this community hasn't been updated in forever (save one entry that got deleted.) Oh well, I'm going to post here anyways...|
I'm not having the easiest time right now. My closest friend at the moment relapsed on alcohol last week (while still on probation.) Not only that, but he started acting like a total a-hole to me (being mean, a drag, and incessantly calling me.) I decided to end the friendship. I even blocked his number. He still managed to call me from another number yesterday. What a drag. I feel that he's eventually going to give up.
It's hard though because, even though he and I weren't really friends for even that long, I still felt close to him, and I don't know who I am without this friendship. I feel totally lost.
I'm planning to go to an Al-Anon meeting a few towns away (since there are none in my town today..) Hopefully, it will be worth it.
At 23 years old, I still don't feel at ease with myself or know what I am doing in the world. I have always felt like an outsider. There have been times.. where I've felt I fit in more, or felt I had a purpose more, but I don't feel at all like that nowadays. I'm 23 years old, and I'm still going to college. (Yes, I've had some struggles with that.) I'm 23 years old, and I don't know when I'm going to graduate.. how long it will take..
I love music. Music gives me a bit of joy, or if not that, contentment and satisfaction. I'm totally obsessed with music. A month ago I decided to do an open mic (I hadn't done an open mic in a really long time) and I found it so cathartic and rewarding. And I decided that I wanted to keep doing them. So I have (kept doing them.)
However, that is only temporary. Fortunately, I've met some nice people, but it really takes time to make good friends...
Yesterday, I went to see the movie "The Adjustment Bureau" during the day. I actually brought a beer w/me because that's how much I wanted to escape. Anyway, I actually thought it was a really good movie. It was absorbing, and it made me think.
When I was just becoming a teenager, I was constantly thinking about the question, is everything pre-determined? Or do we have free will? I eventually stopped pondering it so much because I realized it was pointless to try to figure out whether I have free will or not, when I will never figure it out. I thought, I may as well live my life like I do have free will.. even if I don't..
Well, this movie made me think about it again. [Nearly] every organized religion asks us to believe in 'God' and hand over our faith to this 'Power' that exists outside of us. Lately, I have been trying to believe in something bigger than myself (partly due to my participation in Al-Anon.) But it's hard. I like to think that I have some control, but I don't know if I do. Also, I don't even know if this 'faith' I have is serving me. If it's throwing things in my life that are hard for me, then it's doing a good job... but, you never know...
This afternoon I went downtown to pick up my bike. As I was getting off the bus, I started signing along to my ipod. As I was walking past this park, a girl with dreads asked me, "What are you singing about?" I said, "Oh, relationship crap." She gave me a little smirk and said, "Well, I like listening to you sing." I told her that that meant a lot to me, that I was glad I didn't bother her, and that I hope she had a good day. She wished me the same.
I really appreciate little moments like this. Little things like this can make my day and make all that "bigger" stuff seem smaller.
Part of me likes to think that this power outside-of-me sent this to me.. but I don't know. Another part of me thinks that the 12-step thing is getting to me too much. ;)
It's been a strange year so far. A lot of ups and downs. I still feel like I don't (fully) belong anywhere and I don't know what I am doing on this planet, but it is my goal to accept this feeling.
At least music is always there.
If you read, thanks for listening.. If writing this has made a difference for one person, that would be awesome, but even if not, it's helped me, so that's good.
I would love for others to update on this community again, because I think it's cool. But if not, it's all good. :)