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What goes on in your mind can now be released

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(no subject) [Jun. 21st, 2011|11:53 pm]
What goes on in your mind can now be released

A sort-of poem I wrote tonight.. some feelings I needed to get off my chest.. it's hard to understand why a person does certain things when you don't know them that well, and that's what writing this helped me process. Oh, and I changed the name :P ...

Most people I've met are closed to the universe, yes,
but you are closed in a different way.
Your rifle emerald eyes are a wall up against the world,
you are not open to joy or acceptance..
what happened to make this become you?
I will never know why you abandon your children,
I will never know why you drink to blackness,
I will never know why you hurt yourself,
I will never know..
But, I have seen a glow in you too..
your acidity is always there
but it recedes when you laugh
when you look at your son fondly,
when you see that he is a gift to you
even if he doesn't understand you.
A few years down the road,
he'll be the only one who'll still care
when you fall down in that bar
he's the only one
who'll still be around.
I wish I could stay, but I can't, Grace,
knowing what you put yourself through
all I wish for
is for that glow to emerge immutable
and to never leave
but instead it retreats
like a wave recoiling back to the ocean
never to see this shore again.
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(no subject) [Mar. 5th, 2011|02:47 pm]
What goes on in your mind can now be released

I see that this community hasn't been updated in forever (save one entry that got deleted.) Oh well, I'm going to post here anyways...

I'm not having the easiest time right now. My closest friend at the moment relapsed on alcohol last week (while still on probation.) Not only that, but he started acting like a total a-hole to me (being mean, a drag, and incessantly calling me.) I decided to end the friendship. I even blocked his number. He still managed to call me from another number yesterday. What a drag. I feel that he's eventually going to give up.

It's hard though because, even though he and I weren't really friends for even that long, I still felt close to him, and I don't know who I am without this friendship. I feel totally lost.

I'm planning to go to an Al-Anon meeting a few towns away (since there are none in my town today..) Hopefully, it will be worth it.

At 23 years old, I still don't feel at ease with myself or know what I am doing in the world. I have always felt like an outsider. There have been times.. where I've felt I fit in more, or felt I had a purpose more, but I don't feel at all like that nowadays. I'm 23 years old, and I'm still going to college. (Yes, I've had some struggles with that.) I'm 23 years old, and I don't know when I'm going to graduate.. how long it will take..

I love music. Music gives me a bit of joy, or if not that, contentment and satisfaction. I'm totally obsessed with music. A month ago I decided to do an open mic (I hadn't done an open mic in a really long time) and I found it so cathartic and rewarding. And I decided that I wanted to keep doing them. So I have (kept doing them.)

However, that is only temporary. Fortunately, I've met some nice people, but it really takes time to make good friends...

Yesterday, I went to see the movie "The Adjustment Bureau" during the day. I actually brought a beer w/me because that's how much I wanted to escape. Anyway, I actually thought it was a really good movie. It was absorbing, and it made me think.

When I was just becoming a teenager, I was constantly thinking about the question, is everything pre-determined? Or do we have free will? I eventually stopped pondering it so much because I realized it was pointless to try to figure out whether I have free will or not, when I will never figure it out. I thought, I may as well live my life like I do have free will.. even if I don't..

Well, this movie made me think about it again. [Nearly] every organized religion asks us to believe in 'God' and hand over our faith to this 'Power' that exists outside of us. Lately, I have been trying to believe in something bigger than myself (partly due to my participation in Al-Anon.) But it's hard. I like to think that I have some control, but I don't know if I do. Also, I don't even know if this 'faith' I have is serving me. If it's throwing things in my life that are hard for me, then it's doing a good job... but, you never know...

This afternoon I went downtown to pick up my bike. As I was getting off the bus, I started signing along to my ipod. As I was walking past this park, a girl with dreads asked me, "What are you singing about?" I said, "Oh, relationship crap." She gave me a little smirk and said, "Well, I like listening to you sing." I told her that that meant a lot to me, that I was glad I didn't bother her, and that I hope she had a good day. She wished me the same.

I really appreciate little moments like this. Little things like this can make my day and make all that "bigger" stuff seem smaller.

Part of me likes to think that this power outside-of-me sent this to me.. but I don't know. Another part of me thinks that the 12-step thing is getting to me too much. ;)

It's been a strange year so far. A lot of ups and downs. I still feel like I don't (fully) belong anywhere and I don't know what I am doing on this planet, but it is my goal to accept this feeling.

At least music is always there.

If you read, thanks for listening.. If writing this has made a difference for one person, that would be awesome, but even if not, it's helped me, so that's good.

I would love for others to update on this community again, because I think it's cool. But if not, it's all good. :)
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Maybe this is just me being sorry for myself... [Dec. 1st, 2007|01:13 am]
What goes on in your mind can now be released
[Current Location |Hiding somewhere.]
[mood |numbnumb]
[music |Listening to kidneythieves.]

I don't know about anything anymore. I don't know what I want. Part of me doesn't care. But a part of me does, and I can't squash that no matter how hard I try to.

I've hurt myself before, and I was nearly sent to a mental institution because of it. Only a few people know about that. Most people think that I am a cheerful, happy-go-lucky Honor Student who has nothing bothering her ever. At all.

Those are the people who don't know me. They just assume that because I'm smiling, that means I'm happy.

FYI: If I have on a "wide smile," that means I am trying so hard not to lose it.

I don't want to be a burden to anyone, but I just feel so worthless. Used. I'm trash.

Worthlessness is all that I can feel. It just seems like the things that should make me happy, that have always made me happy before, don't anymore. That scares me. It really, really scares me.

I don't want to hurt myself again. I don't want to put my parents through that hell again, I don't want to completely isolate myself from the few "real" friends I have again. I don't want to be put back on my medication. I don't want to feel so numb anymore.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I want to break things, punch things, beat things until my fists are bleeding and the bones in my hands have broken, because it's gotten to the point that I really believe that that's the only way I can actually feel something for once.

I want to break things. But breaking things makes them worthless. They lose their value when they're broken. I don't want to be broken anymore. I want someone to fix me. But I still want to break things.

And if I break things... then I guess I'm just trash, making more trash.
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(no subject) [Oct. 30th, 2007|11:10 pm]
What goes on in your mind can now be released
 I honestly just feel like im a huge dissapointment to my family....im always dong something wrong or something.....i feel like my siblings would be happier if i was never born and my parents wouldnt be so stressed if i wasnt here....its almost like if i was to get run over by a bus or something it would be for the best....everyhitngs so confusing all i want is a friend and i dont really have one...i want to be loved by my family but i dont knwo how to get that love....i dont even know what im living for anymore...im so confused its not even funny....if anybody has any ideas on how to fix this please help....
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they said this was a christian community for teens where you could say whats on you mind so here it [Oct. 15th, 2007|12:20 am]
What goes on in your mind can now be released
my dad is a minister and its all just really confusing....i've resantly became a christian myself so its all new to me....i feel like my familys just deserted me...my brother has a girlfriend and we all love her theyve been together for almost 2 years now but the thing is her sister and i are best buds but i just feel like my brother and sister love her more than they do me....they love hangin out wit her but when it comes down to me they cant get away fast enough.....i've tried everyhitng.....i starved myself for 6 months eating a piece of food when i was made to.....i've cut myself more than once i;'ve voluntered to do whatever they wanted just to hang out wit them....but it still doesnt work....my bro has his life with his gf  now my sis has her bf so im stuck hangin wiht my parents 24/7 which wouldnt be so bad but i dont get any me time....im homeschooled so im wiht my mom all the time for school PLUS i work with her at our job which is ok i guess but then when i get home they want me to sit with them and such...i mean i love them but i really just want to either be by myself or hangin with the sibs...im not depressed or anyhitng im just lost.....any suggestions on how i can be happier and maybe get my fam to love me just alittle bit more? 
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So basically [Aug. 4th, 2007|01:42 am]
What goes on in your mind can now be released

I think I want to join a cult.
And one of the only reasons I think this is because there is a really hott guy in this cult.
That makes me pathetic.

Everyone else is nice, too.

Any thoughts on this situation?
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I'M NEW HERE [Sep. 14th, 2006|02:04 am]
What goes on in your mind can now be released
[Current Location |home]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |casting crowns]

my name is lilsmo and I am new to this community. it says to rant so i am. this is a little about what i am dealing with at this point in my life.


I am tired, exhausted.
I am tired of having to wear a smile when I am screaming inside.
I am tired of hating myself
I am tired of never being good enough
I am tired of trying so hard only to fall lower than before.
I am tired of being ashamed.
I am tired of being embarassed about what I hide.
I am tired of finding myself hunched over the toilet gasping for breath.
I am tired of being told I can't be bullimic anymore.
I am tired of starving.
I am tired of being full.
I am tired of my constant conflicts with food.
I am tired of having so many things that used to be easy be so hard.
I am tired of always being forced to "talk" about what I am feeling.
I am tired of feeling stupid.
I am tired of being disgusted by my appearance.
I am tired of seeing people that I know I will never be able to look like.
I am tired of having to keep my ED secret from my friends.
I am tired of lying to everybody who cares about me.
I am tired of being lied to.
I am tired of being cared about.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of feeling sad all the time.
I am tired of only being able to fake happiness.
I am tired of pushing people away.
I am tired of letting people in.
I am tired of wanting to cry, but holding it in.
I am tired of crying myself to sleep at night.
I am tired of freezing showers.
I am tired of my hair falling out.
I am tired of feeling fat.
I am tired of failing.
I am tired of achieving.
I am tired of not being able to eat.
I am tired of eating.
I am tired of the constant battle within my heart and head.
I am tired of living.
I am tired of dying.
I am just plain tired.
I exhaust myself.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2006|03:20 pm]
What goes on in your mind can now be released

[mood |crushedcrushed]
[music |Cake]

It seems as though no one cares about me anymore. My parents don't, and the people I thought were my friends arn't. I can't talk to my youth leader because she is getting an attitude latley. Everyone has abanded me on the road of life and I can't find my way home. They all left me to perish by myself. It's like I am telling them things, but my volume has been turned all the way down and they can't hear me, and no one has attempted to turn it back on. I wish someone would listen to me for once. Just once. Please.
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(no subject) [Jun. 27th, 2005|06:48 pm]
What goes on in your mind can now be released
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